To Annie, please:Dave and I have been wed for twenty-two years. He was lively, humorous, and attentive when we first met in college. We created a life together, brought up two children, ran jobs, went on family vacations, celebrated holidays, and always made an effort to present a unified face, even under trying circumstances. Our marriage has always struck me as solid and devoted, grounded in a strong friendship rather than being unduly romantic.
Now that the children have grown up and left the house, the solitude between us is overwhelming. At supper, we sit across from one another and discuss bills, errands, and the dog, but seldom anything more serious. Dave either dismisses my attempts to engage in meaningful discourse with a joke or becomes defensive and accuses me of causing trouble all the time. He watches TV or uses his phone more than he interacts with me. And he chuckled and asked, “What for?” when I proposed that we pursue couples therapy. Those people on talk shows are not like us.
On the surface, nothing seems amiss, yet when I am by myself, I find myself crying. Compared to when he was away on business, I feel more alone in this house with him. I’m not sure if our connection is permanent or if we are simply stuck in a rut. After so many years, is this typical? Is it time to confront the idea that Dave and I have become too distant, or am I setting unrealistic expectations? I Feel Unnoticed in My Own Matrimony
To Invisible,You’re not alone; after the children are grown and the diversions subside, many lengthy couples reach this silent wall. However, love cannot exist in a vacuum. He’s dismissing you even though you’ve reached out. That is avoidance, not partnership.
Marriage is a reciprocal relationship. It’s time for a wake-up call if one person is doing all the reaching, all the caring, and all the hurting. Have another open discussion. Try asking for marriage counseling again and think about getting counseling yourself if he still won’t participate. You deserve more than just companionship.
To Annie, please:These days, my grown son hardly ever phones or comes to visit, and when he does, he comes off as irritable and inattentive. I tried my best to be there for him and reared him with love. I feel forgotten now. Should I give him room or say something? A sense of being left behind
To the Left Behind:I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this. It can occasionally feel like we’ve been left in the dark as kids grow up and start their own lives. But don’t take it personally; it can be more related to his personal schedule and stressors than his feelings for you.
Nevertheless, your emotions are important. An open and sincere discussion could be beneficial. Not out of guilt but because you care and appreciate his company, let him know that you miss him and would love to hear from him more frequently.
Give yourself the solace of connection while simultaneously giving him the gift of grace. Sometimes all it takes to pull someone back a bit closer is a simple reminder.
How Can My Partner Who Cheated Be Forgiven? is currently available! Both print and e-book versions of Annie Lane’s second anthology, which includes her favorite pieces on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation, are available. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
