To Eric,Both of my boys are in their early thirties. I adore her like a daughter, and my oldest son recently got engaged to a lovely woman of the same age.
Even though we have nice relationships, I’ve noticed that as I’ve gotten older, especially in the last few years while I’ve been living many hours away from my biological family, my need for strong family ties has grown. I’d really like to maintain a conversation with all three of them. I don’t want to appear to be hovering over them, though.
How can I determine how often to send casual texts, shares, etc.? How else can I continue to be involved in their lives? Instead of being a drag, I want to be a friendly and welcoming presence.Mom Who Loves Boundaries
To Mom:I guess you have less to fear than you may believe because this is such a great concern that is based on love (and healthy boundaries). The most crucial thing to keep in mind is that you are an equal partner in the mother-son relationship and that you are free to request what you require.
You are still involved in your kids’ life, even though they are still growing and establishing themselves. And probably a much-needed one at that. Open and honest communication is essential to healthy partnerships. Sometimes that is letting them change the cadence as necessary and calling, texting, or going in when you want to. In other cases, that entails discussing what degree of interaction is comfortable for each party. Perhaps you’ll discover that they prefer phone conversations over texting, or the other way around.
You are not a liability. Telling your sons how life is changing for you, as they are telling you how life is changing for them, will also make it simpler for them to continue showing you their love. Continue to communicate with them, pay attention to their requests, and share what you need in order to feel supported and loved.
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: Friends with hearing loss are annoying to talk to
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Asking Eric: After 50 years, my wife wants and divorce and won t tell me why
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Asking Eric: My husband s unsanitary eating habits keep me away from our table
As I m overwhelmed with life duties, a friend berates me for not spending time with her
To Eric,I’ve been friends with Sarah for twenty years. Our families have become closer over that time, even taking multiple vacations together.
Like her, I used to be a stay-at-home mother, but these days I work long hours and am in charge of the well-being of over 100 extremely vulnerable people.
Even though my life has gotten busy, I have made an effort to stay in touch, and I usually wind up planning get-togethers.
I have lost a parent during the past 12 months. In addition to paying expenses and setting up home care, I am currently providing for my surviving mom, whose health is fast deteriorating. This necessitates regular trips hundreds of miles away. In addition, my husband has needed a lot of assistance due to serious health issues. All this is known to Sarah.
Sarah texted me two months ago to chastise me for not paying attention. She claimed that she didn’t understand why I wasn’t making time for her now if we could find time together when the kids were younger and life was hectic. My life has never been so hectic, Eric!
I gave her the kindest response I could and suggested a few ways we might meet up, like having supper at my house. Since then, I have not heard back.
I have a gut feeling that this isn’t friendship and that I should gently terminate it and concentrate on my numerous other obligations and concerns. Sarah is quite erratic; she once cut me off for over a year because of a fictitious offense. But I actually care about Sarah, and I’m concerned that she’s in true pain.
Am I mistaken here? Should I make another attempt to get in touch? Or do I come to terms with the fact that our friendship of over two decades is now ended?Feeling overwhelmed
To the Overwhelmed:Have faith in your intuition. Sarah may be in pain, but it has nothing to do with anything you’ve done. Furthermore, she has caused havoc when you need care by taking her hurt out on you.
You need a friend, therefore I apologize if she isn’t being a good friend right now. It’s so difficult and exhausting what you’re going through. Our loved ones must be sympathetic and actively supportive throughout these times in our lives.
Consider her recent quiet a gift, even though it’s unfair. You might wish to discuss how her actions affected you with her when you have more bandwidth. I also hope she can put things right. But for now, concentrate on those who can support you and help you bear your burden.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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