To Annie, please:Regarding my complex connection with my sister-in-law, whom I began to love romantically for following the loss of my wife (her sister), I wanted to inquire further about a letter you published on June 21, 2025.
I spoke with her for a long time and with a lot of emotion after your response. Since we almost went overboard a few months earlier, things had been tense between us. Finally clearing the air felt crucial, and I’m happy we did.
After several hours of conversation, I left with the impression that she genuinely cared about me for who I am—not out of grief or convenience, but out of love. The problem is that I’m not really sure how I feel. Do I cherish her for who she is, or am I holding on to the aspects of her that make me think of my late wife, her sister? I can’t sleep at night because of the question. I really care about her, but if our relationship is based on comparison or nostalgia, I don’t want to commit to something as important as a relationship. If I discovered years later that I had mistaken familiarity for love, it would not be fair to her or to me.
She has developed a strong relationship with my son at the same time. She has become a dependable mother figure in his life and has supported him in a manner that no one else has. They both love one another. As a result, we have reached an unofficial co-parenting agreement in which he spends every weekend with her. There is only faith involved, not a formal contract. This seems to be the best balance for the time being.
I’ve also made the personal choice that I won’t get married again as long as my son is still reliant on me. Even though my relationship with my sister-in-law has occasionally been awkward, I can’t fathom adding a new person to our family who doesn’t already have a deep bond with him. It would simply not feel proper.
I would be interested in hearing your viewpoint. Is it proper of me to keep up a tight, non-romantic relationship with her for my son’s benefit? Furthermore, how can I be positive that my doubt isn’t doing more harm than good to her? Trying and Torn
Dear Trying and Torn:I appreciate the update. You seem to be handling this really delicate matter with more honesty and compassion than most people can.
It’s sage of you to pause and consider your emotions before taking action. True connection is not the same as love based on familiarity or suffering. It’s appropriate to refrain from making commitments you can’t keep if you are doubtful.
Your co-parenting plan seems considerate and deferential. You are providing your son with the love and security he needs, and that is very important, so long as you both continue to be truthful and communicate effectively.
Continue to lead with compassion and have faith that understanding will eventually emerge.
How Can My Partner Who Cheated Be Forgiven? is currently available! Both print and e-book versions of Annie Lane’s second anthology, which includes her favorite pieces on marriage, adultery, communication, and reconciliation, are available. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
