To Eric,It looks like my problem is becoming worse with time. Our son is content and married. We meet each other twice a year, usually for a brief stay because he lives in a different state.
My spouse and I don’t much enjoy our visits, which is the issue. They are now really distressing. It should not be difficult to spend time with an adult child. We have to be cautious with them at all times. They have to do it their way or else. They’ve grown into egotistical adults.
My husband doesn’t want to travel again anytime soon because our last visit was so draining. I am aware that if I speak to my kid, we will most likely stop talking altogether and our relationship will be destroyed.
Since I didn’t raise my son to be so challenging and to cause such discomfort for our family when he and his wife were around, I genuinely don’t know what to do. Please assist.Mom is stressed and lost.
To Mom:After reading your letter, I pondered whether the format, timetable, or even location of your time with your son may be altered. You seem to be seeking greater hospitality, which is entirely understandable. Or, less than that, a visit based on shared pleasure and the simple concessions that accompany it. Perhaps you may relieve some of the burden and have more fun if you show yourself some of that compassion and hospitality.
For example, when you visit him at home, I wonder if there’s a part of him that feels his personal space is being violated or his schedule is being disrupted. It is possible to remove the triggers if that is the case.
During your time in his state, you and your spouse might organize additional local activities, such as visiting friends, cultural institutions, etc., and set aside one or two hours to spend with your son and daughter-in-law. In this manner, you are not dependent on his hospitality—or lack thereof—and you have something to look forward to and a basis for organizing your calendar.
The capacity to visit well does not always match the desire to visit. He seems to have room for improvement in that area. It could be smart to take a short break if you’re constantly being cautious.
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: Nice neighbor sent my wife a sympathy card. But I m not dead yet
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Asking Eric: I fear allowing my sister to attend my son s wedding will ruin my day
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Asking Eric: Childhood friend is inviting herself to travels with my other pals
Now that I m a caregiver, my friends aren t asking me to join them
To Eric,Two of my closest female friends have been with me for 13 and 30 years, respectively. I presented them to one another. We’re all close now since they share a lot of things.
Both of them are unmarried. My live-in boyfriend has been suffering from Alzheimer’s for the past year, so I’m not as available to go hiking, canoeing, or to museums as they are.
I recently discovered that my two pals often get together for hikes, museum visits, and lunch without me. I am fully aware that I am unable to take part or spend hours apart from my boyfriend. Although they share these activities with me, I completely understand that they do not.
I recently learned that they are organizing a hiking and overnight excursion to Florida’s west coast for girls. I wasn’t asked.
Eric Although I am well aware of my limits, I feel offended that neither of them asked to involve me. I would have been pleased if I had just said, “We would love you to join us, but understand your situation and will miss you.” Rather, I am in pain and attempting to go past it. I haven’t expressed my feelings to any of my friends.
Am I being overly sensitive by only requesting to be included? If it weren’t for my introduction, these two women would not even be acquainted.Unrivaled Matchmaker
To the Matchmaker:You’re not being overly sentimental. This is difficult and painful. You can feel overburdened, experience more emotions, and discover that the demands on your time are shifting in ways that are beyond your control as a caregiver.
It’s time to show compassion, both to yourself and to others.
It’s likely that your pals are attempting to show compassion by excluding you from activities they believe you are incapable of doing. However, they must express it to avoid having their motives misunderstood.
Because of how long-standing these connections are, I believe they can endure the truth. Yes, they may thrive on it. Express your hurt to them and explain that it stems from your affection for them and your friendships. Tell them that even though you are aware of how your life has changed, you still want to feel appreciated. It is sometimes necessary to motivate our closest friends to come up with innovative ways to support us.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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