To Eric,I’m doing fine, and my wife passed away recently. A few of my wife’s older children are constantly requesting to visit me. How can I respectfully decline without offending them?
I was anxious about how I would keep them entertained for a week when they previously visited. They believe that their presence is beneficial, but in reality, I would much rather visit via phone and email. Any recommendations?No Guests As of Yet
To All Visitors:I’m sad to hear of your wife’s passing. We must take things day by day since this type of fresh, all-encompassing grief can be really difficult. Loved ones frequently don’t know how to contribute in a meaningful way.
In this case, being straightforward will be your best friend. Sincerely tell the children that although you love them, you are currently unable to do so. Inform them that the best things you can do at the moment are phone calls and emails. People occasionally want a little direction on how to present themselves. You’ll all have better, less stressful (virtual) visits, and they’ll appreciate the prod.
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
-
Asking Eric: People shouldn t tell the parent of a disabled person what they need to do
-
Asking Eric: My sister lied to me about my inheritance share. What should I do about it?
-
Asking Eric: When we stopped paying for our daughter s housing, she disappeared
We weren t invited to the party, but were asked to dogsit
To Eric,To honor our daughter-in-law’s recent 40th birthday, they threw a big party at their house. Although we weren’t invited, we were requested to watch their dog for a week before the celebration while they were at a family camp.
Over the years, our relationship has been a little tense, but lately, I felt like we were getting along much better. Both of us are offended by our exclusion. Should we simply let it go, in your opinion? We feel a little taken advantage of!The dogsitters weren’t
To all dogsitters:Although I can appreciate your pain, it’s possible that your daughter-in-law thought of inviting you to assist with their dog as a way to include you. She wouldn’t ask someone she still harbors animosity toward to take care of a cherished pet, thus it may be interpreted as a peace gift.
Try to discuss your feelings without making them seem tense. Consider it a check of the temperature. We frequently need to communicate excessively when mending a relationship in order to ensure that everyone is in agreement.
How do I get my husband to stop giving me things?
To Eric,I feel ungrateful just typing this, but here we go. My hubby expresses his affection by giving gifts. Like the rest of his family, he collects a lot of items, but I don’t. By nature, I am a practical guy. His presents can occasionally be excessive or simply unuseful (for instance, he gives me an Advent calendar that is a gift for each day of December).
Even while these presents are kind and considerate, the truth is that I don’t need or want any of them. This isn’t just a Christmas celebration; it’s also for my birthday, our anniversary, Valentine’s Day, and Easter. I’ve attempted to explain that I don’t require all of these items, but he claims that he likes to find them and give them to me.
How can we come to an agreement? Aside from this problem, our marriage is solid, and I don’t want to offend him.An excessive number of gifts
To Gifts,Although too much champagne might be a serious issue, some people may think it’s just a champagne problem. Giving gifts has two aspects: the impact and the goal. In general, I believe it is much more beneficial for everyone to consider the aim rather than the impact. In other words, it’s the idea that matters. However, in your situation, a collection of considerate items that you don’t require is overpowering the goal.
First of all, how do you prefer to express and receive love? Here, that’s crucial. It’s a win-win situation if you can redirect your husband’s energies so that you both enjoy receiving and he still enjoys providing.
However, you will still be somewhat out of sync if, for example, you favor acts of service while he enjoys having something material to wrap and give. If so, you may try discussing practicality with him specifically. Going shopping for a new set of cutlery or a replacement printer, for example, may not immediately make him happy, but he will change his mind once he sees you genuinely utilizing and enjoying the presents.
A list will be useful here, but a conversation is a fantastic place to start. You might also advise him to choose activities that you two can love. It may be a board game or something more intangible, like a dating night or an outing. You will find that you are more in agreement if you expand his idea of what a nice gift is while also limiting your own notion.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
Other advice columns
-
Dear Abby: I m a 65-year-old widow ready to date. How do I do it?
-
Horoscope for Aug. 1, 2025: Today, it s important to have emotional intelligence
-
Miss Manners: What type of letter should I write to an acquaintance who is in jail for a horrific crime?
-
Dear Annie: I m tired of people coming to me with their problems, especially about addiction
