To Eric,Because of the large groom’s side family, my daughter chose to have a wedding with only her immediate family a year ago (there were still over 100 guests). We are on the East Coast, although it was intended on the West Coast.
While three of my close friends didn’t send anything (even a letter would have been considerate), some of my friends sent them a present, understanding why they weren’t invited. I’ve given their children really kind presents.
One was far distant and very costly to get to, and the other was during COVID, so I was unable to attend.
For one of the others, we paid a fortune to stay in a hotel, attended her daughter’s wedding, and gave her a sizable monetary gift. Really, nothing at all from her? If she had been invited, she would not have attended the wedding.
I’m really let down. Even a little present, in my opinion, would have been appreciated. My daughter has known them since she was a young child. I’m struggling to let it go. It simply seems flimsy. A few of my pals are surprised that they took no action.No gifts
To Giftless,Indeed, it would have been pleasant if they had sent a present. Wedding presents and other special occasion gestures can become extensions of the core friendship when it comes to friends’ children and grandchildren. Perhaps most importantly, a present to your child is a gift to you. I can therefore see why this hurts.
De-escalating this scenario may be aided by the responses to two questions.
First, did your daughter announce the wedding? Other people might not think to send a present without a piece of cardstock in the mail, even if they are aware of a wedding or other noteworthy occasion. Perhaps it’s a strange approach, but an announcement can help guests know where to send gifts and indicate that the couple is open to receiving them. Without it, gifts may be neglected and life may interfere.
Therefore, there might not be a direct comparison to the weddings you were invited to if your friends did not receive announcements.
The second is whether your daughter feels anything about this. The gifts you receive at life’s most important occasions are frequently so considerate and kind that you don’t truly consider the things you didn’t receive. Could it be that your daughter doesn’t share your friends’ expectations?
If that’s the case, you have every right to hold them to a different standard. However, it’s crucial to keep in mind that everyone has varied expectations for both themselves and other people in order to maintain mental calm.
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: My husband thinks it s fine that he goes days without showering or changing underwear
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Asking Eric: My husband is unhappy with inheritance plans for my estranged children
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Asking Eric: My sister will skip my daughter s wedding because it s on a holiday weekend
Will calling our son by his middle name confuse him?
To Eric,Although this isn’t a particularly important question, I would still like to hear your thoughts. Since our firstborn son’s middle name is the same as his father’s middle name, who also uses it, we refer to him by his middle name. My husband’s father’s side of the family has been doing this for many generations.
You can only imagine how perplexed I was years ago when I learnt about the custom and found out that our unborn kid had already been assigned a first name (albeit we may chose the middle).
Even if I think the tradition is strange, I’ve come to terms with it. Our four-year-old boy is ready to learn and spell his full name, and I’m afraid that when we try to explain that his real first name is actually his father’s, he will become confused and confuse others.
I’m squirming already. I might or might not have thought of your name as an elegant answer, but is it?The Name Game
Name, please:It’s debatable if my nomenclature is elegant. When I started using my first initial in high school, a teacher informed me, “There’s a thin line between class and pretension,” Eric. Do you think that’s possible? I continue to laugh at the boldness.
It should go without saying that your kid will have many options when it comes to his quest for self-expression, including class, pretense, and other options. He might eventually decide to use his first name if you address him by his middle name. He might use his middle name if you address him by his first name. He might decide on a completely other moniker if he subsequently becomes a music star. All of those are perfectly acceptable. He will, however, be able to comprehend the idea of a whole name for the time being, as well as the fact that some portions of the name are used in conversation and others are not.
A parent’s offering is a name. And one hopes it’s useful, like all the many gifts of parenthood. It doesn’t lose value, though, even if that use changes.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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