To Eric,On Mother’s Day five years ago, my grown son abruptly stopped interacting with me. Because he didn’t enjoy his upbringing and thought I was a bad influence, he told me he no longer wanted communication. Although I disagreed with his justifications, I accepted his decision. Since then, I have complied with his request to remain anonymous.
I’ve never contacted him personally, with the exception of a brief letter I wrote to his wife when one of my grandchildren turned eighteen, telling him that I loved him and that he could now decide for himself, as an adult, whether or not to date me. I didn’t receive a response, but when the others reach adulthood, I intend to follow suit.
Would it be improper to write to my son to ask if he would like to be informed when the time comes if I were to become terminally ill or find myself on my deathbed? Or, even in the face of death, would that be going too far?
I told my daughter to let him know if I died, but I didn’t get in touch with him when I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago. Fortunately, I survived, but I am aware that I am living on borrowed time.A Mother Still Devoted to Her Son
To my mother:I’m sad that you and your kid have reached this point. Estrangement can be very confusing and difficult. However, I’m wondering if this query is an attempt to address a deeper need. Your son’s choice is obviously upsetting, and you feel powerless to change it. Therefore, the mind automatically imagines a situation that could elicit a response. However, obtaining his consent to inform him of your death will not please you completely.
You’re aiming for a relationship with your son. Or, at the very least, confirmation that your connection is still viable. Both make sense. And I think you’ll have to deal with that in your life.
To have someone inform your kid of your passing, you don’t need his consent. He might not reply to that letter either, which would be even more upsetting. I don’t see why your daughter wouldn’t do what she has already decided to do. Additionally, the executor of your estate would get in touch with him if you have a will.
Because of your feeling of borrowed time, you should try to reset or mend your relationship. Now, that could entail some more in-depth introspection, counseling, or making atonement. Furthermore, you must admit that your son might not react at all. But put in as much effort as you can in life; it will make you more comfortable.
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: My husband thinks it s fine that he goes days without showering or changing underwear
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Asking Eric: My friends weren t invited to my daughter s wedding, but I expected them to send gifts
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Asking Eric: My husband is unhappy with inheritance plans for my estranged children
Husband belittles my valid complaints
To Eric,My spouse frequently uses the phrase, “You just look for reasons to be mad at me,” to end arguments with me.
I find it very degrading.
Additionally, it absolves him of accountability because he is not required to take any action if my complaints are merely hypothetical.
We don’t have many arguments, but when we do, we don’t go far.
I’d want to see greater comprehension. Are you able to offer some guidance?Weary of Fighting
To Tired,You’re exactly right: it shifts the blame away from him and places the blame and issue for his actions on you. Using “I” phrases to convey this to him at a calm moment is beneficial. When he says it, describe how it feels and how you would like it to be different.
The major catch is that you might even claim that this is the reason you’re angry with him. The problem with being angry with a partner is that you don’t always need to seek it out. And that’s okay because we’re only human and don’t always agree. Even if he disagrees, he is giving you more grounds for anger if he is unable to accept the validity of your sentiments. To make matters worse, he is sabotaging you.
This style of argumentation is unhealthy. In couples therapy, addressing this issue helps many couples. Going into therapy with the declared goal of improving one’s ability to argue may seem a bit backwards. However, getting to a point where you never argue isn’t the only goal of therapy. It’s about bringing you to a point where disagreements are based on constructive, transparent communication so that you can overcome them rather than become mired in them.
He is grabbing hold of a story about you that is trapping you both. It will be easier to unravel the story and create a new one if you discuss your dispute process with a therapist.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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