To Eric,My sister-in-law is not expected to live much longer due to her illness. My brother has already mentioned that he is excited to travel with my wife and myself once she passes away because we all get along well and share interests (think golfing holidays).
His inability to tolerate silence and his constant need to be busy are the issues. Being around these characteristics isn’t really soothing. When he invariably asks if he may go on a golf vacation with us, how do I reply?Desires to Show Kindness
To Be Kind:Here, initiative will be your friend. You can prepare the atmosphere as proactively as you would the practical aspects of your trip, such as the hotel, golf courses, flights, etc. You won’t have to wait for him to invite you along this way. You can take the lead in discussing what joining entails.
Begin in a position of possibility. Talk about the premise at the beginning of the talk. Yes, that sounds like a fantastic idea. How can we collaborate to make it work? Then, don’t be scared to discuss your favorite vacation activities with him and ask him to consider how your interests and his favorite activities may coexist.
For instance, if you were a late sleeper and he was an early riser, you could advise him that the group should schedule lunch meetings for most days and not earlier.
I let my pals know that on the third day of a group vacation, I require roughly six hours to explore on my own. On the third day, I venture out on my own, have an experience, purchase a memento, and return feeling rejuvenated. Since voicing my needs ahead of time doesn’t come off as rejection of the group, nobody is offended.
Establishing boundaries in a relationship is about maintaining the relationship, not pushing it away. He is probably aware of his tendency to talk and stay occupied. Perhaps he should invite a friend who enjoys conversation as well.
Consider the vacation as a menu. You don’t have to all eat the same thing, but it’s preferable to make your selections ahead of time rather than waiting to see what the chef will be serving.
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: Our friend ghosted us after 10 years. How do I make sure she s OK?
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Asking Eric: I lost a leg because my mother stabbed me. Should I move away from her?
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Asking Eric: Is it OK to skip my nephew s wedding for a vacation that s already paid for?
My granddaughter s tattoo upsets me
To Eric,Regarding my 18-year-old granddaughter, I am quite unhappy. Her arm now has a small cross tattooed on it. I don’t like them, and I detest seeing ink all over people. She was accepted to a Christian college, attended a Christian school her entire life, and leads a Christian life.
Even though I’ve known her from infancy, I feel as though I don’t know her or the trends she embraces. She used to be a gorgeous brunette, but now she has long false nails, tattoos, bleached hair, short, tight clothing that barely covers her body, and skimpy bathing suits. The list is endless.
What is deemed acceptable by today’s youth is a slippery slope. Before we stop, how far will we fall in society? How do I make her change her mind?Disappointed Grandmother
Greetings, GrandmaThe tattoo itself, a tiny cross, doesn’t seem to be a representation of her spiraling into extreme wickedness, despite your reaction to it. Although I’m not familiar with the specifics of her Christian life, your letter gives the impression that she is not planting wild oats despite her short clothing and long nails. Something like overnight oats, perhaps.
With all due respect, I urge you to give up some of the authority you desire over your granddaughter’s life and decisions. She is not covered in ink, and even if she were, it would still be her body, and your and other people’s perceptions of it are inappropriate.
It will be more difficult for her to have a loving and supportive relationship as she grows older if you don’t respect her enough to let her choose her own path when she is 18. Nails fall out, hair ages, and fashion trends shift. Her decisions do not reflect a society on the brink of disintegration. Every generation does these age-appropriate trials, but with distinct patterns.
Remember when you were eighteen? It’s not difficult to think that someone two generations away from you did not agree with all of your decisions, even if you still do. Then, what would have been more beneficial to you? Reprimands and disapproval, or a live-and-let-live style that exposed your inner self?
When it comes to your granddaughter, try to connect with your empathy. Curiosity will follow empathy. And connection comes from inquiry.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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