To Eric,A house was inherited by my spouse and his siblings. My daughter volunteered to look after the property and move her family into one of the units. We came to an agreement on a rent amount that would pay the expenses.
She started withholding rent a few years ago; she would only pay when I asked for more money because of a significant household cost. Her rent was no longer even close to covering the expenses. Instead of arguing, I paid the bills in silence and let her live off of me for at least four years.
The house was sold last year when the family realized they could no longer afford the costs. In exchange for a monthly rent, I made arrangements with the new owner to allow my daughter to stay. After that, she abruptly moved out, never got in touch with me during Christmas, and left me without telling me where to go.
She has stopped texting me and I haven’t heard much for months, so I feel like I’ve been cut off.
Here, am I the villain? With the death of my only daughter and her children, I am at a lost on what to do. Should I ignore this?
My husband is ill, and we are becoming older, so having relatives nearby would be good. Since the house’s messy sale, his siblings have stopped communicating with him. Tell me who you believe ought to make the initial effort to restore any relationship.Paying Tribute to Mom
To Mom:You aren’t the villain. Even if it cost you money and your own peace of mind, you did more than enough to keep your daughter afloat. It’s not about you. It has to do with her and her behavior. Although I am aware that this is a cold comfort, acknowledging that you have been hurt here can be helpful.
It’s also possible that the dispute surrounding the sale was exacerbated by her activities. This does not imply that she is the villain. Some people are in pain, and some are allowing their pain to injure other people. Joshua Coleman’s book When Parents Hurt might provide you with some comfort and understanding. It’s likely that the foundations of this separation were established years ago, and you’ve been attempting to use financial support to repair a flawed foundation. Although it wasn’t the wrong thing to do, you are now at a loss for what to do. You might be able to reframe some of this by concentrating on your personal healing and possibly visiting a family therapist with your spouse.
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: My step-niece s wedding invite list makes me want to ignore large family
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Asking Eric: Friends with hearing loss are annoying to talk to
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Asking Eric: I want to be with my adult kids, but not in an overbearing way
I think we should stop reminding our always-late friend to show up
To Eric,I’ve been going out to lunch once a month with three pals for many years. Every time, the location changes, and we then pick where and when to meet the next month.
The information is written down by three of us, and the fourth person may or may not do so.
Three of us arrive at the scheduled time the next month. Pat doesn’t. Even though everyone receives a reminder message that morning before our meeting, someone contacts her to remind her. We wait for her to arrive after she claims to have forgotten.
Last week, it occurred once more. Since she will obviously miss our time together, I strongly advised the others not to call her. We can’t give up on our longtime buddy, one of the other girls stated, adding that she was definitely calling her. Although it can imply that she should be more responsible, it doesn’t seem like I’m given up on her. Who is correct? Or do we simply keep allowing her?Not Another Reminder
Please Remember:Pat is probably no longer acting carelessly if this has been happening for years; instead, he is only continuing the pattern that the four of you set long ago. This seems crazy to me now; if it’s not in my calendar, it doesn’t happen. Pat, on the other hand, seems to operate differently, waiting to be called to other places while sitting at home. Although it’s reality, I’m not claiming it’s the ideal approach.
Calling Pat is not required, but I believe that if you insist on bringing up the subject, you are setting yourself up for continued strife. Allow your friends to continue phoning Pat to remind her if they are willing to do so. You could speak with Pat directly about how waiting around affects the group. I would also advise you to discuss with your other two friends how you can make the most of your time together rather than wasting it waiting for Pat. However, I don’t believe anyone should be at this location.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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