Greetings, AbbyMy spouse and I had a wonderful, trusting marriage for almost 30 years. He was lying to me about meetings he was having with a 35-year-old coworker months ago. Then I found texts that had been going on for months. He grew combative and irate when I asked him to explain. He said that everything had to do with work, that I was being overly controlled, and that I was exaggerating the situation.
I pushed for some sort of settlement because I thought this was not a small situation. Unfortunately, as the communications went on, more withdrawn conduct followed intense talks that lacked resolution.
He recently told me that he has stopped communicating with me because he recognizes that his actions were unacceptable. He stated he wants me to trust him once more and that he just loves me. I can’t do that after all of his deceit, defensiveness, and secrecy. He now acts as though nothing has happened in an attempt to win back my confidence. However, I feel that the trust has been betrayed.
I was taken by surprise after many years of what I believed to be a loving marriage. Please help me to put things in perspective; I have always appreciated your guidance.– In Michigan, blindsided
DEAR BLINDSIDED:You believed that your relationship with your husband was stable for almost 30 years. It’s clear now that he made a royal mistake. I want to know what YOU desire going forward. After an affair, trust can be restored, but it will require effort on both your parts.
Are you willing to give up the things you and your spouse have created and do it alone? Since anything happened, your husband cannot pretend that nothing has happened. It can take some time and the assistance of a certified marital and family therapist if you two are willing to mend your damaged marriage. You have the upper hand.
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My friend went from an abusive husband to an abusive boyfriend
Greetings, AbbyI’ve known Carole for more than thirty years. As long as her husband wasn’t abusing drugs, her marriage was wonderful. He would verbally, physically, and emotionally abuse her when he was using. She is currently seeing an abusive alcoholic after he passed away.
He is really kind when he isn’t drinking, which is about three days a month. She claims to love him, but I’ve tried to convince her that she’s helping him. Before something goes wrong, how can I urge her to open her eyes?– IN ARIZONA, A WORRIED FRIEND
Greetings, friend:When Carole claims to adore this addict, she actually means that she needs his company and is prepared to endure the abuse for three pleasant days per month. If medical professionals treat a patient they believe has been abused and they believe the patient has been injured, they must report the incident.
If he physically abuses her, there is little you can do to save her other than to take her to the emergency hospital. Provide her with the National Domestic Violence Hotline number, 1-800-799-7233, and let her know that you are available to her in times of need.
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Abigail Van Buren, better known as Jeanne Phillips, wrote Dear Abby. Her mother, Pauline Phillips, created the company. For more information, visit www.DearAbby.com or send an email to P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
