To Annie, please:I’ve spent six years with Daniel, my devoted companion. We both have kids from past relationships and are in our 40s. In general, we have a really harmonious existence together. We like spending time together, share tasks, and provide each other with a great deal of support. We share the majority of the same ideals and have created a life that feels very stable in many respects.
I can’t seem to get rid of one problem, though.
I’ve been craving the stability and commitment of marriage for the last few years. But Daniel has always been apprehensive. He has stated his dislike of marriage, which appears to have its roots in the hurt of his parents’ divorce, and he has never wedded his former partner. Marriage is something that is really essential to me, even though I understand his past. And despite my best efforts to embrace our differences, this need continues to surface. We still haven’t made that step after all these years, and it makes me sad, upset, and even angry. I think about it virtually every day.
My birthday was yesterday, and I had hoped that things would finally change. Daniel gave me a ring box from Spence Diamonds, a renowned Canadian jeweler. My heart leaped. However, he did not bow down when I opened it. He gave a straightforward explanation of the ring’s meaning. I needed to know if this was a proposal. It wasn’t. The ring was a promise.
To be truthful, I was grateful for the idea. I am aware that it held significance for him. However, I’m 41, not 16. Real commitment, not empty promises, is what I’m searching for. Even for a split second, I felt ashamed that this was the engagement I had been longing for. I think my response came across as polite, but I was really hurt on the inside. I questioned him later about the specifics of his promise. “There’s more to come,” he remarked.
And I’m more perplexed than ever right now. Why isn’t he prepared? At this point in life, a promise ring seems childish. It sent a very clear message to me: I’m not eager or ready to get married to you.
I was urged by a close friend to return the ring and politely but firmly explain that, although I appreciate the effort, I’m a grown woman looking for a firm commitment, not a stopgap. Not Seeking Guarantees
To the Person Who Is Not Seeking Promises:It’s okay for you to be disappointed. It is quite normal to desire clarity and commitment after six years of dating, particularly if marriage has great personal significance for you. Though well-intentioned, a promise ring lacks the weight of a mutually understood and explicit agreement regarding the future.
Daniel seems OK with the status quo, but you don’t feel that way. Neither you nor he are being judged by it. It is just a fact of life that must be faced honestly. When your future visions diverge, love alone isn’t always sufficient.
After your courteous and patient waiting, you should consider how long you can continue to live in uncertainty. Mixed messages are not enough for you. A companion who shares your goal or is at least open to compromise is someone you deserve.
If it feels right, return the ring. As a clear border, not out of rage. You are not requesting this step. After that, have the difficult talk honestly and without pressure. A girl hoping for a promise is not you. You’re a female seeking clarification.
How Can My Partner Who Cheated Be Forgiven? is currently available! Annie Lane s second anthology — containing beloved essays on marriage, adultery, communication and healing — is available as a paperback and e-book. For additional information, go to http://www.creatorspublishing.com. For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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